Witty Sayings and Quotes

A critic is a legless man who teaches running.- Channing Pollock

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.– Mae West

His mouth is a no-go area. It’s like kissing the Berlin Wall- Helena Bonhem Carter on Woody Allen

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.- Henry Kissinger

He has a face like a Saint - A Saint Bernard.- Unknown

A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstien, but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.- Tom Shale on Robin Williams

If I found her floating in my pool, I’d punish my dog.- Joan Rivers on Yoko Ono

God does not play dice with the universe.- Albert Einstien

She is as wholesome as a bowl of cornflakes and at least as sexy.- Dwight McDonald on Doris Day

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.- President Harry S Truman

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.- Bob Wells

Can’t act. Slightly bald. Can dance a little.- Screen Tester on Fred Astaire

An empty suit that goes to funerals and plays golf.- Ross Perot on Dan Quayle

Most of the time he sounds like he has a mouth full of toilet paper.- Rex Reed on Marlon Brando

He could start a row in an empty house- Sir Alex Ferguson on footballer Dennis Wise

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.– Mark Twain

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.– Irvin S. Cobb

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.– Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.– William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.– Moses Hadas

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.–Abraham Lincoln

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.– Groucho Marx

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.– Oscar Wilde

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.–Winston Churchill

I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.– Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator.– John Bright

When Kissinger can get the Nobel Peace Prize, what is there left for satire?- Tom Lehrer on Henry Kissinger

Avoid all needle drugs. The only dope worth shooting is Richard Nixon.- Abbey Hoffman
Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?- Don Rickles

Breasts like Granite and a brain like Swiss Cheese- Billy Wilder on Marilyn Monroe
The thief of bad gags.- Walter Winchell on Milton Berne

I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born- Ronald Reagan
The average person thinks he isn’t.- Father Larry Lorenzoni

He’s proof that there’s life after death.- Mort Sahl on Ronald Reagan

The only genius with an IQ of 60.- Gore Vidal on Andy Warhol

He’s so ugly they ought to donate his face to the world wildlife fund.- Muhammad Ali on Joe Frazier

She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them.- Joan Rivers on Bo Derek

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.- Douglas Adams

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you’ve got it made.- Jean Giraudoux

Shaw writes his plays for the ages, the ages between five and twelve.- George Nathan on George Bernard Shaw

He is to acting what Liberace was to pumping iron.- Rex Reed on Sylvester Stallone

What makes him think a middle aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?- Ronald Reagan commenting on Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel
Better a witty fool than a foolish wit.- Shakespeare

Free Business CardsStart every day off with a smile and get it over with.- W C Fields
He had the compassion of an icicle and the generosity of a pawnbroker.- S J Perelman on Groucho Marx

Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn’t expect to be paid back.- Unknown

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?- Abraham Lincoln

A bird in hand is safer than one overhead.- Anonymous

Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.- Chuck Norris

Nothing makes a man so modest about his income as a tax form to fill out.
I used to be indecisive, now I’m not so sure.- W.C. Fields

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire public relations officers.- Daniel J. Boorstin

The devil is the father of lies, but he neglected to patent the idea, and the business now suffers from competition.- Josh Billings

One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the ones that never have it.- Finley Peter Dunne